Question – Time and time again I find myself at the end of a bad relationship. Why am I doomed to live a life of hurt, anger and loneliness? What is wrong with me?
Answer – The question of what is wrong with me is probably not the best question. Maybe you should ask: “what is right with me”? “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” Marianne Williamson
Most all of us have suffered multiple devastating situations, such as an unexpected divorce, relationship loss, job loss, loss of a child, loss of our home, or even identity theft. When so many things happen all at once, is it even possible to bounce back? Can we even find some kind of explanation or understanding? Nothing stops the healing like denial, or focusing on the injustice that we experienced. There are 5 basic principles that will help us heal and pull away from denial to find a refreshing new life or recapture the life we want without the fear of failure and loss.
- Focusing on our senses.
When you are so filled with pain, it is even hard to get out of bed or off the couch. Start where you are- in bed. Just notice your senses. Start feeling the softness of your blanket or the comfort of your bed and how it feels to your body.
- What other comforts can you feel around you?
- Is it warm, or cool, dry or damp?
- Pay attention to how the light pours through your windows.
- What is the weather like outside?
- Can you see shapes in the clouds?
- Are there spectacular sights in the weather?
Take a few moments to notice the smells.
- What are your favorite smells?
- What smells brings good memories or makes you feel comfortable?
- Is it the smell of cookies baking, or your favorite flower?
- Is it the fresh smell of a clean house or laundry?
- Is it the smell of the damp soil after a rainstorm?
What sounds can you hear?
- Is it soft music?
- The cars passing by?
- The sound of water falling, or rain falling?
- Do you hear the crash of lighting and thunder?
The purpose of this exercise is to begin feeling the good things in life. It helps you to be present instead of being locked in the pain filled past. You have one of two choices to make – stay where you are or begin the healing process by opening up to other possibilities. It really is your choice. Could it really be that simple to start the healing just by focusing on your senses? Yes, you can find comfort in your senses and see beyond the pain by broadening your awareness of the good things around you- the awareness of life beyond the pain. For every pain, there is pleasure and even a possibility for more pleasure than pain. Doing this small exercise gives us the space needed to heal our broken lives.
- Focus on recovery not on what happened.
Do you ask yourself any of these questions: Why did they leave me? What did I do to upset them? Can we get back together one day? Why did I make the wrong money decisions? How did I even think I could be a good businessperson? Why do I continually make stupid mistakes? One of the best things to learn is that with or without all of these people or situations, the most important relationship we have is with ourselves.
- At this moment of being present, you need to ensure your own well-being.
- Allow time to heal.
- Remember you are not alone.
- All humans have lived through these same feelings.
- That which feels the most personal is the most universal.
- Don’t get lost in the infinity of things you could or should do.
- Do you need to go for a walk, take a warm shower, or start a project you have wanted to do for a long time?
- Just be in the present and focus on what is at hand.
- Do something completely for yourself. Alone.
Give yourself the time to get reacquainted with who you really are. Reevaluate the cycles in your life.
- Do you do the same thing over and over?
- Do you think the same things over and over?
- Do you congregate with the same kinds of people over and over?
- Do you go the same negative environment over and over?
- Make a note about the things and people and places you really want in your life.
- Surround yourself with positive people that like you for who you are.
- Look within to see how to break your repeated cycle.
- When alone you can find that you enjoy your company and it opens a door for understanding the cycles that are not serving you.
Remember that if you feel broken that is a good sign meaning that at least you have tried something. Life is filled with solutions and ways in which to overcome hardship. If you are willing, you will find what you are looking for.
- No rebounding.
It is easy to fill the void in your life by finding the first relationship, the first job, or just jumping into the next thing that comes into your life. Instead of filling the void, allow it to be a part of you and then work for what you really want. Your fears can cloud your decisions, and your healing process. But you become a more creative, motivated and happy person when you have time to regroup. Jumping into the next dysfunction makes each step more dysfunctional and continues the cycle. We don’t like to hear the words: be patient. Yet it will make your life stronger and filled with more of what you want.
- Feel the pain and accept it as a part of life.
- You will feel empty.
- Accept it.
- You might feel empty or lonely for a while.
- It is a loss that needs to be mourned so you can move on.
- Get into nature, and commune with your God.
- Going for a walk will rejuvenate you and your senses.
- It will bring life back to your lifeless world.
- Again, let your senses take over your body and mind while you are present in the beauty of the world around you.
This is a very good place to reevaluate your living cycles. This is an exceptional place to open your heart and to hear inspiration from your higher power. You will be amazed at the direction given.
We often think that success and freedom from pain is people’s ability to avoid failure when, in fact, the opposite is the case. Successful, happy people are successful because they do not fear failure; they embrace it; they learn from it. Their tolerance for failure enables them to succeed because they will get up and try again. They feel what life gives them and they try again. Any great invention and any great romance was filled with pain, failure and healing enough to start again. It is so much better to have tried and failed than to have chosen to stay in our misery.
At some point in your healing ask yourself, “What have I learned from this? What have I received because of this?”