Question – There are days that I just don’t want to do this life thing any more. I hate these horrible thoughts in my head. Are they real or what is going on?
Answer – Those thoughts can be very destructive. Yes the thoughts are there, yet that doesn’t mean they are telling you the truth. If you or a loved one is having these thoughts or even have attempted suicide, then here are some phone # you need to put in your phone.
Your local emergency department –
Suicide Prevention – 1-800-273-8255
Your Dr. or Their Dr. –
Your Coach –
Family members than can and are willing to help –
Clergy members –
Fill in these numbers now.
The more people are involved, the more help you can get. You can also download a free guide to help or detect if someone you are concerned about needs more help than he or she thinks.
The following story is a success story. We are hoping to have more of these success stories.
written by Katie Eden
It has been a year and a half. A year and a half since I put aside my fears, pride and especially my shame. One and a half years since I walked into my doctor’s office and admitted that I had been having suicidal thoughts. No scratch that, since I had almost taken my life. Wait what? Not what you were expecting? I kinda think that’s part of the point. I haven’t really said much to anyone about it. For so long I just wanted to make it through one more day without having awful thoughts about myself or how much better off my family would be without me.
When I finally made it through those storm clouds, I had too much shame and fear to ever say anything. I did tell people that I was dealing with postpartum depression, which was scary enough to admit for me, but that was basically the extent of it. I was afraid to tell people the entire truth. I didn’t want them looking at me different or treating me like I had an infectious disease. I just wanted to be the normal Katie that people knew. More importantly, I just wanted to focus on improving myself and getting better. I wanted to be a better mother, wife and well, just a better person in general. That’s still a work in progress for me, but I have finally found the courage to tell my story.
Why do I feel a need to tell my story?
I don’t know other than the thought keeps coming to me that I need to get this out. If putting aside my vulnerability gives someone the hope or courage that they need to just make it through one more day, or better yet to say something to someone about their thoughts, then I’ve made a difference. Suicidal thoughts are real. It’s not some mythical problem that will “never happen to me or those I love”. I NEVER thought it would happen to me. Now that it has, I don’t want to be silent anymore.
In December of 2014 we welcomed our second child into this world. He was amazing from the moment he was born, and our life has been richly blessed because of him. There are no words to describe how upside down my life turned from that moment forward though.
It was a slow and gradual process, but eventually the “s#!t hit the fan” as it were. At 6 weeks, most women have a follow up appointment with the doctor to see how things are going, and those 6 weeks leading up to that appointment were pure hell. I couldn’t sleep when he was sleeping, so I literally was getting 45 minutes of sleep a day. I felt like the worst mom in the world, constantly wondering why I had considered bringing another child into the world. I constantly had the feeling that I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t ever be a mom to 2 kids. Thoughts constantly nagged at me that my family would be better off without me. That surely my husband could find someone much better suited at being a mom than I would ever be. Then the rage started. Oh the dreaded rage! Little things would make me crazy mad and even though I knew logically there was no reason for me to be so upset, I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop. I honestly thought that I was going crazy.
And that’s where it all started. One night, my husband got home and said something that made me snap. I don’t even remember now what it was, it was so insignificant, but at the time, the rage overtook me. I slammed the door on my way out of the house that night. I left my phone at home and I had every intention of never coming back. I do not want to relive the details. I refuse to. I do not wish to be a trigger for someone else. All I know is that amongst all of the chaos going on inside my head, there was a moment of clarity. A moment where I realized just what I was doing and it scared me. It still scares me, my hands are shaking as I type this. I went home that night scared and ashamed of what I had almost done. It took every ounce of courage I could muster to tell my husband what I had done. Who wants to vocally admit that they have had thoughts of suicide? Even worse that they’ve had a plan or have tried?
I will never forget the look on my husbands face when I told him that night. Never. Sadness came to his eyes like I’d never seen before. At first I thought it was disappointment but as time has passed I’ve realized it was sadness for me. For what I thought I was worth at the time. We agreed to go to the doctors and talk with someone. He came with me to that appointment. He came with me so that if out of fear, I couldn’t speak up he could be my voice for me. It had to be that way. Asking for help is such an unbelievably hard thing to do. I don’t regret that decision.
The very first thing that the doctor told me I needed to do was to start exercising. 7 days a week I needed to be exercising. I was also told I needed to start taking care of myself. That meant eating right, getting enough sleep, and in my case taking some medication to help my hormones get back on track.
That’s really where my journey began. I walked away from that appointment scared and afraid of what lay ahead for me, BUT I was also armed with what I needed to at least start the process of healing. In the weeks following my appointment, I did the things I was told by my doctor and it started to work. Slowly, I started to see some of the old me coming back. One night my husband approached me about doing a bodybuilding competition. He said he had considered doing one, but that he didn’t want to do it by himself and asked if I would be interested in doing it with him. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I’m willing to try anything once especially if it’s to support someone else in their goals. So, not really understanding what I was getting myself into, I said I would.
The following few days were spent researching just what exactly I had agreed to. I always enjoyed working out, but when it came to nutrition I had NO idea what I was doing. I stumbled upon an awesome nutrition site that gave us tips to incorporate into our daily routine to help successfully reach our goals in a healthy way.
At first it was all about getting into a routine. I hated getting up at 5 to go workout before the kids woke up. I hated planning the menu for 5 meals a day for a week, the grocery shopping for it all and then the meal prep that literally took ALL DAY to do. Worst of all, I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I hated myself. I couldn’t even make eye contact with myself. I hated all of it, but I knew that I had to do it. I never wanted to go back to that hell that I had been living in, and these were the steps I needed to take to dig myself out.
I can’t pinpoint where the shift took place, but looking back I know that it did. Somewhere along the way, I came to love what I was doing. The workouts gave me the positive boost of energy and outlook that I needed on a daily basis. The menu, shopping lists and food prep gave my body the right nutrients that I needed while shedding the pounds that I so badly wanted gone. More importantly, I was able to start seeing myself. I can still remember the first time that I was able to look into a mirror and not have a single negative thought come to mind about myself, and it felt good. So good!
I have heard the comment from people so many times throughout the last little while that they couldn’t do it because ___ (insert any excuse you can think of), but people don’t realize I can’t have an excuse. I need to do this. I need to get up and workout every day for my kids, for my husband, for those I associate with on a daily basis and most importantly, for myself. I need to do it because I know what it feels like on the days that I don’t do it. There is a huge difference in the way I meet the daily challenges in my life. I need to do it because somewhere along the way, I began to realize that I AM worth it. I am worth every single minute I spend trying to become a better version of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. And I love knowing that.
So do I have any advice? Absolutely. If you’re struggling, or overwhelmed and for some reason can’t talk with those closest to you, PLEASE talk to someone. Even though you may not see or feel it, you matter. You matter to those close to you and even those that were in your life for only a brief time. It’s an awkward and hard conversation to have, believe me when I say, I’ve been there and I know. Fight for yourself because you do matter and then with every ounce of strength you can muster, find something that you love and do it. Every. Single. Day. It doesn’t have to be the same thing you’ve always done. Try something new! What could you possibly have to lose at this point? You’re bound to find something that you love and when you do, I hope you’ll start to see your life in a whole new way and truly realize just how amazing you are.
What an inspirational story. We may not all choose to do the same thing. We may each need a different routine or process. What we all do need, is to ask for help and be consistent. You are worth it, you are amazing, and those that love you need you to do all that you can. If there is a concern with you or loves ones reach out for help and be another success story.