Depression Friendship Hope LDS Life Skills Marriage Perfection

3 Ways to Find Healing After a Broken Relationships

When we have a broken heart, we often avoid feeling the pain—whether it is a divorce, a breakup, or even a job loss. We fill our lives with busywork to get through the pain, but there’s no easy way out of those overwhelming empty feelings. We need time to grieve and accept the heartache; otherwise, it will heal very slowly or not at all. Experts recommend we go through the emotional pain, not around it. By learning to deal with these emotions, we become stronger people and more capable of handling our trials.

Get out a paper and pen and jot down potential personal goals to work through emotional pain you are facing as you read through the strategies below:

1. Find a New Purpose
“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.’”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

The first step to accepting pain is to understand who we are inside and why we react the way we do. You need to let go of whatever is prolonging the pain (fear, anger, anxiety, discouragement, etc.) and find a new purpose. For example, war veterans, who face years of prolonged pain, have been found to flourish when they find a new purpose to put their energy into, which could include family, purposeful employment, or service of some kind. Think of your broken relationship or situation as a classroom. Ask yourself what could I learn from this? I know of a man who hated his job, and then was eventually laid off, and endured a horrific year before gaining new employment. At first, he questioned his worth, but instead of harboring the pain, he worked through it and realized with the new job he gained improved employment and pay as well as giving him more time with his family. When you are filled with pain it is not easy to see it as an opportunity to learn, but it is the best way through. It may seem impossible to recover from a divorce or a break up, yet the very same principle applies. You decide your viewpoint; you also decide how much pain you will go through, just as this man did. You need to know your purpose or find a new one. We are all children of God and remembering our worth in His eyes can help us find a new purpose, perhaps in a Church calling or family relationship.

Click here for more on a finding new purpose.

2. Exercise
Depression and anxiety are often feelings that accompany emotional pain, and physical exertion gives you immediate short-term relief to these sometimes crippling side effects. Activity increases the level of serotonin and/or norepinephrine and stimulates brain chemicals that foster the growth of nerve cells. On an emotional level, this is one thing you can control and become master of for your body’s and mind’s well being. Getting started is often the hardest part of this step toward healing, so find something you enjoy doing or have always wanted to try such as walking, hiking, tennis, running, swimming, or maybe kickboxing. Find out if there’s someone in the neighborhood or church who participates in one of these activities and would let you join. Just remember to take it slow at first. In these endeavors to keep our bodies and minds healthy, we often make new friends, who can support us when we have relapses of emotional pain or bouts of depression or anxiety over the situation. There is also power to working out in a group. It can provide you with a tribe that soon becomes family. This can also help provide you with a new purpose in life. Make it a fun journey by tracking your progress. It doesn’t need to be about losing weight as much as to get in shape or to just feel better, connect with new positive influences and friends, and give youself a goal to focus on instead of your pain.

Click here to read more about anxiety and depression.

3. Forgive and Move On
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

When we have been hurt in relationships, we could also just jump into the next relationship just to fill the void and potentially start the same bad relationship all over again. Or we often build walls to prevent from being hurt again. Yet that also keeps people out who could help us, especially the Lord. In our time of need, we should seek the Lord, rely on Him more, and search for how He would forgive others in this same situation. He is the way to change our perspective and to heal. People need people; we just need to surround ourselves with mentally and emotionally healthy people and have healthy boundaries.

Forgiveness allows the pain inside to be set aside in order to see things from a different perspective, and maybe begin to see why the actions of those who hurt you happened. It doesn’t always mean we have to provide them opportunities to act on those shortcomings, fears, or struggles in a way that will hurt you again, but it can mean that you can, with the Lord’s vision and help, stop carrying their burden as your own and move on. If they are open to it, we can have a conversation with them. Or we can choose to distance ourselves from them.

We often believe they don’t deserve forgiveness, but we must remember that we forgive for our own well being, not theirs. When we don’t forgive, we are bound to that person and the link between you will stay connected through feelings of hurt and resentment. Do you really want to live with that all of your life? Forgiveness will break that bond and you can walk away free with a great weight lightened.

We all struggle with the fear of loss and failure at some level. Dealing with emotional pain, whether it was a good or bad relationship or other heartaches, is immensely difficult. Work to change your view. Learn to see the person who hurt you as no longer the villain, but a teacher who has helped you understand yourself and ask “Am I strong? Am I compassionate? Am I empathetic? Do I know my divine identity?”

Learn to forgive those who never apologize. It will free you.

Click here for more on changing your viewpoint.

Author’s Note: Though these strategies can help, there are times when we need professional help to get through situations in life. Like having a broken leg, if those serious things are not treated or taken care of, they could potentially kill us. If you need outside, professional help, ask for it.

Need some help deciding if you should give a broken relationship another try or walk away? Get the free download below.
Kristena Eden

Kristena Eden
Core Living Essentials on Facebook

Disappointment Hope Life Skills Marriage

Saint and Sinners

Who in your marriage is the saint and who is the sinner?


Question – When my husband and I were dating and when we were first married, it seemed we were on the same wavelength. We had the same values and we wanted the same things. When we were dating we had such a good time together. We could talk and just be together. Some months after our honeymoon I noticed that he would spend hours playing video games, sometimes for money. While we were dating I had no idea he did this and I wondered why he still would do that now. We don’t have the money or the time and energy.


Answer – We live in a society where we are all expected to be saints or at least be close to perfect. Yet in our relationships we fall short. In fact, we end up switching being sinners and saints between each of us – sometimes we are good and sometimes we are bad. In a lot of our relationships someone ends up taking the role of saint. This sets up the dynamic that the other person is the sinner and this cycle is a devastating dynamic on both sides. It limits our ability to take responsibility for our part in the relationship. Unfortunately this situation is very common. If you have ever known someone or been in that scenario, you know how agonizing it can be. You feel that you can never be good enough or that your partner will never get his or her act together. It is a lose = lose dynamic


The saint and sinner dynamic can start out very innocently; such as we want to move our lives and relationships one-step forward – we want our house to be a little cleaner and our kids a little more behaved. But then we set our standards and expectations at an unreasonable level and we start this saint/sinner cycle. If one of us fails to make the effort toward these goals, we become the sinner and in the roll of being blamed for failure. While in the middle of this cycle, we often forget our original intent of moving our relationships forward. We start to take the role of a martyr or victim and make our significant other the villain.


Bettering ourselves is definitely desired in our society and rightfully so. Yet it can have a dark side if it is carried out of proportion. How could improving oneself be potentially destructive? Let’s take a look at the roles we can take on when we feel stuck.


Martyr or Victim – In these roles we feel we are not good enough or that we don’t deserve a better life. In this scenario we can start to believe the SAINT is right and that we can’t rise above our lowly state. This belief takes away our power to progress and make our own situation better. Instead of taking responsibility for our own actions, we start to sink more. We can get to the point that we no longer see a reason to get out or that there is even a way to get out of this situation. This continues to plant more seeds of doubt. Yet we can change this cycle.

  • Do not see yourself as the victim or martyr.
  • Take the time to look deep inside and start taking responsibility for your own actions one step at a time.
  • Ask yourself what one thing can I do today to be one step closer to taking back my life.


Villain – On the other hand, we can view others as the villain. For example:

  • Are we treating them as the bad guy, instead of encouraging or allowing them to start taking more responsibility for their own lives?
  • Are we constantly criticizing every little thing that is not done according to what we think should be done?
  • Do we look for the mistakes because we want so much to have things better?
  • Do we continually regret that we have been lied to and entered this relationship under false pretense? They hid their true selves from us!

What answers did you give above? In reality these views cause us to also give away our power and not take control of our thoughts and actions. We are stuck in the devastating feeling that we have lost the life we should have. We spend our time in the depths of despair instead of staying in the present to figure out what we can do today to take one more step to a better life.

  • The first step would be to look for the good.
  • What we focus on is what we get.
  • Next, stop the criticism.
  • Any and all negative remarks just fuel the fire for an empty life.
  • We can find positive ways to kindly ask for what we want. Then, if not accepted, let it go for another time.

Villains can chose to be really good at being really bad when they are feeling there is no hope.


Is there a way to change this scenario? Yes!

This cycle needs to be stopped as soon as possible for the sake of both partner’s emotional well-being. If there are feelings of complete hopelessness, it would be good to get some help and find a marriage coach. Following are some skills that can change your relationships to be much more progressive and peaceful:


  • Both partners take a good look at what each is contributing to this negative cycle.
    1. The saint has a tendency to think they do not contribute negatively.
    2. The sinner has a tendency to think they are the cause of all the problems.
    3. In a healthy whole relationship there is a need to look at both sides and start to understand what is really happening.
    4. Stop blaming or believing one person is responsible for all the bad. It is never all one sided. It really does take two to tango.
  • Make a plan.
    1. This plan can be an end result plan or just a plan for today. If it is an end result plan and therefore more complex, make small steps for each day.
    2. Take a piece of paper and post it where you can both write on it daily.
    3. Label one side your name and the other side your partner’s name. DO NOT LABEL THEM AS SAINT OR SINNER, but your personal names.
    4. You are looking for the good, so write on your side what you see as good in your partner. The other side is for your partner to write down all the good he or she sees in you.
    5. This is an opportunity to look for the good in each other and an opportunity to hear the good from you partner. This is a “Finding the Good” chart. Do not put any negative findings on it.
  • If the decision is to go separate ways, then there is still the need to find understanding and taking responsibility for our own part so that we do not take that cycle with us for the rest of our lives.



The truth about relationships is there is no such thing as line of demarcation for bad or good. These are judgments. It is a very natural expectation for us to want another person to fix all the problems. At times we are filled with so much self-doubt and feelings of loss and pain that we struggle to fix or see the problem in ourselves. Finding a solution can be overwhelming yet it doesn’t have to be. Take it one problem at a time.


When we realize that we have married a sinner, this is our greatest opportunity to be a real saint by taking responsibility for our own actions and to find the good in others. All of us need to realize that our spouses can fall short at times and we can also expect that we will also. When we give each other the freedom to make mistakes, we give each other permission to become our best selves. That is a whole, and happy way of life.

We can do this one step at a time.

Kristena Eden

Core Living Essentials on Facebook

Meditation, Spirituality Stress

Finding the Path to Health and Peace

Can you imagine feeling high with energy? Can you imagine feeling good and being fully alive? Is that an easy thing to imagine, or does it seem like a daily struggle?

You are entitled to have every success, happiness, health and fulfillment you could dream of.

So why settle for less, why become burdened with illness, frustration, and so many roadblocks that prevent or slow you down so that climbing to your highest purpose seems impossible?

One reason we don’t is possibly because we don’t know the steps of progression. Maybe we’ve just forgot them, or had a bad day. And sometimes our preconceived notions stop us from what we were meant to do.  Or possibly we feel we need to do it alone.  But in truth, there are answers for each of us to make it possible to achieve our potential. For all of us, answers are an uphill struggle and our final potential will be a mountain of a climb, but we can arrive and rise to our highest peak.

Author Louise Hay contends that disease is caused by mental thought patterns, especially patterns of criticism, anger, resentment, and guilt. Festering resentments eat away at the self and can ultimately lead to tumors and cancers. Anger turns into things that burn, boil, or infect the body. A pattern of criticism can turn into diseases like arthritis, and guilt seeks punishment and leads to pain.

Is this the life we are choosing? How do we choose a better more fulfilling life?

Child hood is a learning time when we are very impressionable and our soul can be easily shaped and molded into what we are now. This could be good or bad.  We can learn truths or untruths or misguided information.

Maybe we learned that money doesn’t come easy and we will always be poor. Maybe we learned that we will never amount to anything or we don’t deserve being loved. These can mold us into sickness or maladjustments.

Some of us have been luckier in that, real truths were instilled in us. Like for example we are good and we can achieve what ever we put our hearts to. These two attitudes make deep felt roots into our soul. It is not easy to retard the growth of bad roots and turn the roots to truth.

A funny story about my youngest son, when he was around 4 yeas old he was playing with another friend around his same age. During their playtime the boys started taking each other’s papers. They were screaming and making the usual 4-year-old threats. I suggested they talk it out. My son took his stance, hands on his hips and fire shooting from his eyes, glared at me, he stammered, “I don’t want to talk to him. I just want to haul off and hit him.”

What a normal human response, very basic and very honest. At this moment he could either learn a better way for a happier solution or both kids could learn and imprint on the mind that it is bad to share or you may loose what you have. Maybe thinking that life is limited and there isn’t enough to go around.  What ever is learned at this age, even if the incident is not remembered, the end result is learned for good or for bad.

Throughout our lives we are in situations that can imprint untruths. Do we need to change some of our learning? Do we need to recognize and acknowledge some bad habits of thought? What deep seeded imprints are we carrying around that are preventing us from healing ourselves and reaching our mountaintops? How do we find what the mill stone is and how do we pluck it from around our necks.

One manner in finding answers to these questions I posed today is through meditation. Meditation can help us to focus on our destiny and help us follow a healthier lifestyle. It can train us to use more of our brainpower and receive help from outside our selves.  We can learn to take advantage of all the gifts that life has to offer.

So what is meditation?

Meditation is a state wherein a person is in deep concentration on a specific object of thought or awareness; meditation is considered one of the oldest yet most effective means of relaxing the mind, the emotions, as well as the soul.

This state of mind, learned with practice, can be reached by slowing down the brainwaves. Electrical activity emanating from the brain is displayed in the form of brainwaves. There are different levels of brain waves. Ranging from the most active to the least active. The main purpose for meditation is to slow the brainwaves down so that we can focus more deeply.

When the brain is aroused and actively engaged in mental activities, it generates beta waves. These beta waves are relatively low amplitude and are the fastest of the four levels. Beta waves are characteristics of a strongly engaged mind. A person in active conversation would be in beta. A debater would be in high beta.

The next level is called alpha. Alpha brainwaves are slower, and higher in amplitude. A person who has completed a task and sits down to rest is often in an alpha state. Walking through a garden is in this state.

The next level is theta brainwaves. They are typically of even greater amplitude and slower frequency. A person who has taken time off from a task and begins to daydream is often in a theta brain state. A person who is driving on a freeway, and discovers that they can’t recall the last five miles is often in the theta state. People who do a lot of freeway driving often get good ideas during those periods when they are in theta. Individuals who run outdoors often are in the state of mental relaxation that is lower than alpha and when in theta, they are prone to a flow of ideas. This can also occur in the shower or tub or even while shaving or brushing your hair. These tasks become so automatic that you can mentally disengage from them. Ideas in this state are often free flowing and occur without censorship or guilt.

The final brain wave state is delta. Here the brainwaves are of the greatest amplitude and slowest frequency. When we go to bed and read for a few minutes before attempting sleep, we are likely to be in low beta. When we put the book down, turn off the lights our brainwaves will descend from beta to alpha, to theta and finally, when we fall asleep to delta. During this time just before falling asleep or arising in the morning is a good time to have a free flow of ideas. This can be an extremely productive and meaningful creative time.

Meditation is a learnable skill that we can use to move our brainwaves to a level where we can make better decisions in all areas of our lives.

We as women may have a hard time getting to the meditative state because our brains are like supper highways. We are well adept at multitasking. We can take care of the baby, put dishes in the dishwasher, prepare dinner, answer the phone, balance the checkbook, and run a business. We move from one to the other without having too many mental meltdowns. So when it comes to meditation it is hard for us to put out of our minds the daily grind enough to slow the brainwaves down to allow healing and inspiration.

We as women often feel that taking time for ourselves is last on the list but that is a myth. If we took a few minutes to ourselves everyday for meditation we could improve relationships, our situations, and improve our own health and the health of our loved ones. That is a lot of power and we have the core to do that.

So that is enough scientific jargon about brain waves, hopefully it was enough to let you know that you can have control over this part of the body. You can have control over how fast or slow your brain functions. Now that you know the subconscious can be changed and higher levels reached our next step is to learn this process. Lets take it one step at a time.

The first step -If you already know what solutions you seek then you are well on your way.  You probably have heard the quote “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carrol

If you have millions of things you want to solve, that may be an overload. That’s what we women are good at – overloading.  This can also be true for men, and children.

It is important to climb our mountain one step at a time.

Deciding what problem we want to attack first. A possible item would be that your child has emptied every container in the house and used these items to decorate your walls. So if you could get to the wall through the disheveled piles you might really loose your temper. So the problem would address how to best handle this situation. I am sure this scenario sounds familiar to some of us.

Maybe another scenario is that your significant other is struggling with constant colds or maybe even something like fibromyalgia. Health issues are always top on our list.

What ever your scenario your first step in isolating a problem would include knowing about the subject, which might require research depending on the subject matter. This doesn’t have to be time consuming. During a walk or shopping, listen to what others are saying. Ask questions especially if you’re in the presence of someone who has conquered this scenario. And you can always look it up on the Internet. Preparation time is totally up to you on how much you need to know or how little.

Now you are ready for the second step. There are two things that need to be done during each of your meditation sessions.

1-   Eradicate any negative thoughts, or any untruths in your life. For example if you feel that you are sick and you will always be sick because your mother was always sick. That is a thought that needs to be dismissed. No longer believe it. Telling yourself during meditation that this thought pattern is of no value to you.

2-    The second milestone is to know that what you want is good for you and for others. You are worth it and it is in your power to obtain it.

While true science is based on observation, experimentation, and continuous readjustment of thought processes and beliefs, depending upon its findings, the same is true for trusting our inner guidance. Ultimately, it is enormously empowering to realize that no scientific study can explain exactly how and why our own bodies act the way it does. Only our connection with our own inner guidance and our emotions is reliable in the end. That is because we are all different. No two are a like. One size does not fit all. It is important to know one’s self.

The third step is to find solitude. It is important to find a place with no interruption at first. When you become more adept at this process the location does not matter.

In your solitude, move into a comfortable position. This is different for everyone. The most popular postures ever since the history of meditation started includes:

  • Sitting
  • Supine
  • Standing

Which ever is most comfortable for you. Not too comfortable because you do not want to go to sleep. This is meditation not vegetation. I had a friend that meditated everyday and was very frustrated because he was not making any progress. Come to find out he was really taking a nap. Sometimes a nap is needed yet at this point it is not achieving the desired objection, unless you are using these relaxation tools to solve insomnia. Then you are accomplishing your desired outcome.

Once you find the posture of choice you will begin the actual meditation process. I will not go through these steps at this time in case any of the listeners are not in a position to meditate. It is important to have a good guide when you are first learning. From there you can do this process any time or place. You can order a meditation CD on this website:  My CD has two tracts. The first tract is with a guide the second is just music. You can also read a step by step guide on this same site.

The mediation steps takes you through the sequence of thought and muscle control that brings your mind and body in sync with each level of brain waves until you reach theta. When you reach this level you focus on the problem you have chosen and researched, opening your mind to inspiration and solutions.

After a specified time focused on this problem and with its solution the meditation steps will take you out of the deep level of brain waves and will end your session. Each session can last as long or short as needed for the individual problem. It is best to meditate at least 20 minutes a day.

People of today as well as of those future generations will continue to practice meditation because of the health benefits as well as the limitless possibilities it brings into our lives.

“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” Jamie Paolinetti

When I was teaching preschool I had one little boy in particular that had a hard time sitting still. We often went on field trips each time before going we would review the rules. He was the first to scream the rules. His favorite rule was “No Running”. We lined up to go to the bus and he was in the middle of the line. As soon as the door opened he was so excited that he couldn’t contain himself. He took off on a dead run and as the sidewalk turned he did not. Smack right into a mud puddle headfirst. As I picked him up out of the mud he had tears streaming down his face “Teacher I tried so hard to turn but my legs just keep on going” Is that what our lives are like? We have good intentions and great desires with achievable goals. And now we also have the knowledge, to make our legs move in the direction of those goals.  “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” Charles R. Swindoll

I have worked with people who have had such differing experiences and illnesses in their lives. One friend in particular struggled with depression and fibromyalgia. She felt that no matter what she choose to do in life that she could not change her out come. What ever she had was given to her for a reason so she had to learn to put up with it. In spite of this kind of mind set she decided to meditate for the benefit of her friends and family. She had been able to help others improve their health. People would come to her just to ask her to meditate for them. During this process of her helping others she also found greater health in her own life. She was able to restore her life. Keeping all things under control and in continual healing. After one year she no longer had symptoms of these dreaded diseases. The time will pass anyway. We are making the movement continually forward.

One step at a time.

Kristena Eden