How do I get my kids to be more responsible.??

Every parent remembers those tough days where not one of your children seemed to be sane. We all have at least one story about trying to create peace and ended up in total chaos. Maybe it is more like one story a day.  Does it seem that no matter what you have tried nothing seems to change behavior?

That is where this article can help make incredible differences.  It is filled with examples, testimonies, and lives changed all due to learning a few skills that bring: love, connection, trust, dedication, growth, and even a desire to build parent and child relationships that last a life time.

This article is about making connections that create learning, self-belief, self-trust and trust in others, and it also helps to disperse fears of not being good enough, the dreaded fear of failure and loss. This is one article that teaches parenting skill from a totally different direction and makes love and life out of chaos.

These principles have been used in schools with huge classes that had been struggling with discipline and without any sign of learning or growth. If these principles worked in the class room, they can work at home. Keep in mind these skills are principles. A principle is something that never changes. A good example is the principle of gravity. Even if you do not believe in gravity it is still real and in play at all times. The way we practice or live that principle can change. Like for example the principle of arrow dynamics. If you use aerodynamics you can use the gravitational pull to your advantage. If these principles can make a difference in a class room of 20 -30 kids then we can change how we practice these skills by using them with just a few kids. The kids that we love the most, our own children.

We will start with one of the biggest principles of teaching our children how to be responsible for their own lives. Wow that is a big order, right? In reality it is easier than you think. Try one principle at a time.

Being responsible is a key to children’s success both in school and in the larger world when they grow up. Parents often confuse obedience with responsibility. Most parents would love their children to do what the parent asks, to follow directions and to not question them. Yet part of learning to be responsible to learning to make choices on their own. Then of course understanding the consequences.

It at times is too much work to train children to clean up after themselves and help around home. It’s so much easier to do it yourself”. I get it. It is exhausting training children to be responsible. It is definitely easier to do it all by yourself. As a mother of six children of my own I can understand this principle yet it can keep you stuck doing this very thing for the rest of your life and your kids will follow suit for the rest of their life.  So, train with the end in mind. Even with the thought in mind that at some point your children will have the ability to serve you when the need arises.

Responsibility according to ability- How easy it is to go to extremes: either giving the child responsibility above their ability or requiring no responsibility at all. Keeping in mind that just because they are young we can easily not realize how much they are capable of doing. Generally, more than we know.

Teach when young. Of course, it is better to tach them when they are young, yet some of my readers may have not totally understood this when their children were young. So even as grandparents it is never too late.

Gradually increase responsibility- Even at 2-years- old they can learn to put away their toys when finished or put their dirty clothes in the hamper. You can download a sheet that tells approximately age ability for chores here: https://corelivingessentials.com/age-appropriate-chart-and-questionnaire

Keeping in mind still that all children do not follow the exact suggested chores ability. Yet it can be a good place to start.

Having responsibility makes all of use feel needed. Including our children. They need to know that they too can contribute. Expressing how important a child’s contribution to the family can go a long way to encourage their understanding of responsibility. Let them know how much you appreciate all the help they do give. Being responsible is not always easy or fair. Yet it is important for us to remember we are working for the greater good for our life and for their future lives.

Love language- a big intrinsic reward for children is for us to know and do what makes them feel loved. If words of praise are what will work, do that. Then shower them with praise. If spending time with them is the trick then give them the time. Watch and be aware of how they react to your gifts of love then give them more of what makes them feel that way.

Following are some steps to take in teaching responsibility:

1. Do it for them. This is when they are babies or toddlers. You are setting the example and they are watching you.
2. Do it with them. Even as little as 1-2 years of age they can see and understand when you are picking up toys with them.
3. Observe them doing.  This is not meant to be an observation in order to judge or especially criticize. This is a time to be amazed at how far they have come and to see if further teaching is needed.
4. Let them do it all by themselves. They have come a long way and this will give them a great sense of accomplishment. They will feel more trusted, motivated, and confident.
5. Have them teach someone else. Have you ever had the honor of having your 2-3-year-old teach you how to dry dishes? What a great feeling of accomplishment for both of you. Also have older children teach younger ones. This can lighten a burden for you. have younger ones teach older ones just for practice. This induces feelings of love for each other.

These same steps work if you are teaching older children to do more difficult chores, such as mowing the lawn.  

Over time, most parents want children to accept ownership for a task or chore- the children do it because it needs to be done and accept that it is their obligation to do it. Overtime, they may even initiate doing a task “because it needs to be done” not because they are being told to do it. This is called responsibility.

One of the hard parts of this teaching style is to remember that all of us are different and we do things differently. Parents may have to give up having things done exactly as they would like them done and on their exact timetable in order for a child to move from obedience to responsibility. But allowing a child to “do it his way” will encourage a feeling of pride in accomplishment and foster a sense of responsibility.

Healthy parenting occurs when children are raised in a home in which there is unconditional love along with clear boundaries, limits, rules and consequences.

Another great learning process is to have the children help make the rules and the consequences. They tend to make them harder than we would.

Let’s use a family camping situation to convey the lesson. What needs to be packed, what do they do to set up camp, and what is necessary to return home? Discuss each area in depth with your children, perhaps make a list before-hand so nothing is skipped keeping in mind that it is a good learning tool to have them participate in making the list.

What needs to be done? —–

Food planning

Shopping

Location

Activities

Equipment planning

Entertainment

What needs to be set up?

  Tent

Kitchen or fire pit?

Then what needs to be packed?

Time to clean up and pack for heading home?

Take garbage to appropriate area.

Sweep out tent or clean and pack trailer.

Add or delete details of this list as needed for your family.

Now decide who will do what? This step can be a great learning curve because if one child does not follow through, a natural consequence should be enacted. For example, one time we went camping and the child in charge of bringing cooking utensils forgot them. We turned to the person responsible for bringing utensils and ask them to come up with a solution. We did this in a loving way with no criticism and sincerely wanting to have a solution. So, we ended up using a shovel to cut the watermelon. I can honestly say none of us have not forgotten utensils since that time. And we still laugh about it.

Finally, who and what needs to be cleaned up? Make these written lists so that there will be no discussion or forgetting who is doing what.

When someone is involved in the planning, they are more invested, more motivated and feel they are an important part of the family. If there is a mistake made, it is a great time to learn to laugh at yourself and make changes for the future. Like the example of forgetting the knife. This child said he was sorry, and he came up with the shovel idea. A natural consequence was used. Nothing else was needed. Such simple steps to get kids involved, and they can make mistakes in a safe environment.

At the very end, of camping, have the family make an evaluation and show appreciation. How did it all turn out in their eyes? What did they learn and what would they do differently?

IF you feel you need additional help please reach out. Thanks.

kristena@corelivingessentials.com

The best method to get our kids attention is let them have our attention.

Does that sound a little counter intuitive?

This story was taken from the memoirs of two teachers who were instrumental in influencing change by enacting simple, small techniques with their teaching practices. In a rural town a certain grade of children was disruptive and disrespectful, and it wasn’t just one or two kids, it was the entire class. Their actions soon created a hostile environment not conducive to learning.

Many of us have experienced the rough days when children are learning about life, others, and how to best interact with the world around them. Sometimes we are successful in navigating these moments and sometimes we need help.

These two teachers were experiencing the full force this struggle daily and banded together forming a plan to help these children make better choices in how they interacted with others. The principles they taught and used are explained in their own words below and include skills that bring love, connection, trust, dedication, self-belief, self-trust and trust in others, and even a desire to build parent and child relationships that last a lifetime; they also address ways to disperse fears of not being good enough, and fears of failure and loss.

Memoirs-

“After two long years of teaching junior high, I was ready for retirement. When I had entered the teaching profession, I had expected the students to behave, to want to learn, and show respect. Oh, they did as they were asked if I coaxed, bribed, or threatened them. And not many were late if I waited to call roll a few minutes after the second bell rang; but, respect, they did not even know what the word meant!

Taking the toll on my desire to teach were numerous obstacles: students, apathetic attitudes, administrative political ploys, the parental dissatisfaction with the education system, the lack of cooperation, the high levels of competitiveness among faculty members, and the disrespect for fellow human beings.

Time and time again I had been told, “Those students are worthless and disrespectful children.” The evidences from my classroom, the hallways, and comments by other adults convinced me this statement was true. Veteran teachers freely gave their condolences, “There is nothing you can do about it, Janis. Just grin and bear it. It’s part of your job.”

For two seemingly endless years I followed the advice of the veterans, however, I was not happy, and as far as I could tell, neither were the students. The students were nothing more to me than objects in a room of furniture. My ideal classroom, a pleasant place for learning, had become a war zone. Daily, students engaged in confrontations, unpreparedness, flagrant ignoring of classroom rules, name calling and fighting. The more I incorporated the discipline philosophies of experts and veterans the deeper I entrenched myself into the battle against the misbehaving students. Writing names on the board only produced cantankerous silence. The suggested rewarding for good behavior progressively cost me more money as the students became manipulative with demands for more costly rewards. In addition to the war that had developed in my classroom, I was constantly held responsible for any and all of the inappropriate behavior of students in the hallways, gym, and cafeteria. I was personalizing and internalizing every confrontation, and I was unable to leave the battles at school.

My insides churned as I recognized I had only one solution, to stop teaching. Encouragement from my family and friends persuaded me to stay until Christmas. If things were not better by then I would quit. I know in order for me to enter my classroom the following year I needed some sort of ammunition, some kind of help, or power to engage in the classroom battles. I promised myself to enter this war with more strategies and tactics than all of the students combined. These battles would be fought in the trenches. I was determined that the students would not win. If I lost, so would the students.”

Does that sound familiar in any way? Raising kids can be like a war zone. What happened to all of those movies in which the kids obeyed, and they grew up to be very strong and motivated individuals?

There are a few skills to use that will change the war zone to the best time of our lives. Sound simple? Yes, it can be.

We generally choose one of several parenting styles with our children: And just the name of the style gives a clue on how to parent. Can you spot your style?

• Authoritarian – parents intend to shape, control, and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of children in accordance with a set standard of conduct. This style does not invite children to participate in the discussion of rules, disciplining or expectations, followed by the belief that children should accept parents’ word for what it right. Generally, with this style, parents’ value firm control of their children’s behavior, and are often less than warm in their own behavior. They rarely encourage their children to express feelings or point of view, particularly in disciplinary situations. This was the type of teaching used at that rural school. As is often the result in this style of parenting or teaching, the children rebel or they become silent. They lash out or they turn so far in that they are very hard to reach. They lose their identity and their belief in themselves.

• Permissive – this style is easy to fall into when we are tired, frustrated, overworked, and overstressed. Understandably we just want to be left alone. Permissive parents usually show warmth and love toward their children but offer little guidance or direction. In most cases they allow children to regulate their own activates as much as possible and avoid teaching or exercising of any control even with regards to socially acceptable limits on behavior and in many cases because the parents wants to avoid confrontation. Apparent in this style is a complete lack of structure or parental power. As a result, children often feel lost and don’t know how to survive in the world as an adult. They believe that everyone should help them and rarely see where they should help others. Few of these children handle stress well and in the end are rarely happy, confident or emotionally strong.

• Authoritative – Parents show the same high expectations for their children as authoritarian parents, yet they also show a high degree of warmth and responsiveness. This approach is to deal with situations with loving support. Parents usually spend the effort and time to guide their children using encouraging comments and discussion but not ranting or screaming. They often share with their children the reasoning behind their rules and policies. Some use their children’s ideas and feedback in setting rules. They teach responsibility and self-reliance by giving them chores and a role in family decisions. As a result, children raised this way are more likely to be socially confident, friendly, self-disciplined, cooperative, and achievement oriented.

Did you figure out what style you are? Are you a mixture of all of them depending on the day? I love the quote from Gandhi when he stated that we must be the change we wish to see in the world. So, this type of parenting starts with us. To help us all create a more nurturing authoritative environment for our children I have outlined two steps below. Review them and makes some notes, goals and plans according to your inspiration.

1. First, we need to understand our children before we can parent them well. What are their needs?

We all have basic human needs and if those needs are met, we can function at a much better level. We can feel safe, secure, and believe in ourselves. These basic needs don’t necessarily have to be fulfilled by another person because children need to learn do that themselves. We as parents can help fulfil these needs while also teaching them to do that for themselves.

1. Respect – Showing them respect is the best way to teach them to respect others. Listen to what they say. That doesn’t mean we have to do everything they say, just listen so they feel they are worth listening too.
2. Appreciation- The simple gesture of saying thank you greatly impacts all ages. This is an easy need to fulfill. We as parents know what it is like to be appreciated. So, set the example by noticing and finding the good that they do and let them know you care, and you appreciate what they do.
3. Trust – Showing trust is the same as respect – give it and you can earn it. The biggest way to increase trust is to avoid being critical, but if there is a concern, discuss it and work together for solutions. Trust means confidence. If you trust someone you have confidence in them. It can be you trust that they will do their best, or that they will tell the truth. There are many levels of trust. In a relationship when there is trust, offense is not present. It is easier to understand each other.
4. Feeling safe – A person needs to feel safe and not tormented in order for them to open up. Can they tell you something without causing an outburst on your part? You may not like what they say yet it is still important to keep trying to understand. The more they feel understood the easier it is for them to take a “NO” answer.
5. Validation- To know and feel what we contribute is valued and really makes an impact. The best way to make a person feel valued is to listen to what they have to say.
6. Encouragement– When we are told we can’t achieve our dreams; we can easily let our dreams die. When we give encouragement, even if the idea is not what you would recommend, it can be the simple jester that lets our children thrive. They can easily tell if you care.

If their needs are fulfilled they are a lot happier and a lot less rebellious.

1. Take a few minutes to evaluate children’s abilities.

Some people have the gift to stuff a ball in a basket and make lots of money doing it. Some have the gift of making friends and they are surround with people who care. Here is a great place to pause and think, then write down your child’s abilities. Remember if we judge a fish by his ability to climb a tree, we may not have very many fish. This is a good place to stop and ask questions to see what your child’s needs and abilities are:

1. What do I see my child doing when they don’t have to do anything?
2. What seems to make them happy?
3. What are they good at? (sometimes we love doing something but not good at it yet)
4. What do they dream about becoming?
5. What do others complement them about the most?

Take some time to get to know your child and then act accordingly. You will see a huge difference in their ability to thrive. And a huge increase in your understanding of them and yourself. It will be very rewarding. It will also build a lifetime of memories.

kristena@corelivingessentials.com

Question – I am a mother of 3 children. The oldest is 10 and the youngest is 3 years old. Our house is in constant turmoil. The three year old throws tantrums and the other two are constantly in a power struggle. They refuse to do what they are told. They do not respect my husband or me. I love my kids and I just can’t find anything that brings peace to our home or any sign of them being responsible at any level.

Answer – That is a question many of my clients ask – how to parent from love not fear. How can I teach my children to make better choices? There are many different parenting styles. Each style brings with it a family culture. The real solution is our basic belief principles.

To begin with we need to know what our principles include. Take a few minutes to write them down, for example “love” is a principle that would be good in every area of our life not just in parenting. What other principles do you want to instill in your children and incorporate in your own every day living? Know your principles when you are making your plan for how you want to parent. Principles lead to behavior and that leads to outcomes.

There are 3 basic parenting behaviors. Which one are you? Which one should you be?

Authoritarian: This is a very highly structured climate. What the parent says is the law; there are no exceptions. The rule is the most important element in the family and children are not involved in making the rules or even allowed to give their opinions. Children will learn to follow rules, yet it will be out of fear more than out of understanding the consequences. They may not even have any idea what a consequence is other than what will happen if they break their parents rules. Children may focus more on their anger than on learning how to make decisions and how to live in peace and harmony.

Some questions to ask yourself to see if you are authoritarian:

• Are you short on patience or have a low tolerance for any exploration or misbehavior?
• Do you use shame or threats to get your children under control?
• Are your rules the only thing that matter?
• Do you have little trust that your children can make good choices?

Permissive: This is a more responsive climate. Yet there can be total chaos – the children rule. They do what they want when they want. The parents give in to keep the peace, which only reinforces their children’s inappropriate actions. These children tend to struggle in academics and in relationships because they have not learned how to live in a societal norm. They do not understand how their actions affect others around them.

Some questions to ask yourself to see if you are permissive:

• Is your home life random; is there little or no structure?
• Is the child’s freedom more important than learning responsibility?
• Do you bribe your children or pay your children to do what you want them to do?
• Do you have no age appropriate chores around the house?
• Do you seldom have consequences for misbehavior?

Nurturing: This is a climate that involves a balance of structure and responsiveness. These parents trust their own authority that they can create a positive home environment. They have a basic trust that children are good and that they can learn what is needed to live an effective adult life. With this understanding they can involve, age appropriately, their children in making the rules and the consequences. The children learn responsibility one step at a time. These parents usually:

• At first we do things for them.
• As they grow and watch, we do things with them.
• Progress continues we let them do it alone. Yet if we are needed we can be there.
• The last growth point is when they do it on their own. This one takes trust yet a good feeling because we have been with them up to this last step.

These steps can be achieved by early teens. With this process they can learn to be responsible at an early age.

We have a tendency to choose one of these parenting styles according to our fear. If we fear we are not good enough and that we may be a bad parent, we tend to choose permissiveness. If we fear loss of our children or loss of control, we tend to choose authoritarian. To have a healthy environment in our homes we need to find growth in ourselves as well as with our children. There is no better relationship than when we grow together. Choosing to use a more nurturing style puts a stop to the power struggle and allows all family members to contribute and give love.

Parenting is like climbing a mountain. It takes one step at a time. It takes one principle at a time. It takes one day at a time. Yes, we do make mistakes, yet we can’t give up. Once the top of the mountain is reached, we have a great view of what our children have and still can accomplish. The climb is worth it. Parenting is not about getting our children to do what we want; it is in helping another human to become the best they can become. You could say we are the guides on the mountain; we are not the pack mules.

If you feel your family life is way out of balance reach out for help.

Get your free guide on the parenting mountain below.

One Step At A Time.

Kristena Eden
kristena@corelivingessentials.com